God has impressed on my heart how imperative it is to be real.  One of the most impactful things I learned in the last year was to be honest with God. I saw how incredibly important it is to go to God with all of it, to sob, to yell, to question, to take all the frustration and hopelessness and fear and lay it all out, in the open, at His feet. I always feel awful doing this. I’m often shocked to see what is inside me, and often embarrassed to bring it to God. I think I should be stronger than that… but I’m not, and He didn’t make me to be. He wants me to give Him my weakness, not so that He can change it into strength – which is what I always thought He would do- but just because when I give Him my weakness, without expecting Him to do something great and mighty in return, I am broken.

Broken. That is when He gets excited. I am beginning to see the beauty of brokenness. It’s another of those incredible mysteries of God. It goes against so much in me, more than I care to admit. Yet God’s Spirit in me cries out that this is beauty. There is beauty in my confusion, there is beauty in my questions, there is beauty in my fear - as long as these things are give over to God, there is beauty. I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why God is so pleased when I come to Him in tears and tell Him that I’ve just discovered that I don’t trust Him. It seems strange that He is delighted when I tell Him that I cannot make it through another day. I think it has something to do with my stark realization of need. Somehow when all I can see are my broken pieces in His hands He is looking with expectancy to the process of putting them back together. Here is another mystery, because He doesn’t do it right away.

Timing is a strange thing. God is not bound by time. He is, at this very moment, indwelling every moment in history and every moment in the future. I don’t understand why He chose to make us in His image, put eternity in our hearts, and then make us bound by time. But He did. And because He did I am so often frustrated when He does not work according to the timetable I set forward. But I have had to learn that just because I don’t see the answers yet, doesn’t mean that something is wrong. Either it isn’t time yet, or He’s doing something other than what I expected. Or both.

God is impressing on me the value of being brutally honest with Him, and sometimes with a select few of His children. He indwells them, and often chooses to use them to speak truth to me. There is absolutely a place for that brave face, but there must also be a place, a much larger one at times, where there is gentle, open, honesty. It is okay to be weak. Weakness is necessary to healing.

I’m so thankful for my amazing midwife, Lisa

I’m thankful that I got to have almost all my labor at home

I’m thankful for a good doctor

I’m thankful for family

I’m thankful for my precious boy, Miles Lucas

I’m thankful for HOME

I’m thankful that Miles sleeps so well

I’m thankful for baby cuteness

I’m thankful for snuggles

I’m thankful for sleep

I’m thankful for bath time

I’m thankful for swings

And seats

And slings

And ducky towels

I’m thankful for smiles

And yawns

I’m thankful for learning

And growing

And I’m thankful for all the amazing things yet to come with my little boy

Miles Lucas Ong

10lbs 5oz. 22 inches long

11:20 AM

January 27th, 2011

I went into labor Thursday evening at 41 1/2 weeks after taking caster oil to get things started. (Grossest thing ever. I hope I never have to do that again.) We had been trying to jump start labor all day because I only had a few days left before 42 weeks when my midwife could no longer deliver my baby at home and we’d have to come up with a new plan to get that baby out.  I really wanted to let the baby come when he was ready but we all felt it was time to help things along a bit. Nothing much had happened all day so my midwife Lisa and the assistant midwife Jonna left and told us to get some rest.  About an hour later as I was about to climb into bed I had a contraction that stopped me in my tracks. I told Chris this was it and to call Lisa. She had us time contractions for a while and try to sleep a bit if we could (which was not going to happen.) Lisa and Jonna came back about an hour later to check on me.

I quickly wanted nothing to do with moving around at all and spent the next few hours on my side only half conscious between contractions.  Every hour or so I would have a particularly strong one that would make me vomit. I don’t know if that was a side affect of the caster oil or just the way my body responds to pain but it was icky either way.  Some time during the night Lisa said I could go ahead and get in the birthing pool and see if it helped me relax. I loved that thing and wasn’t too happy when she wanted me to get back out later so she could check me.

Breathing was my best friend during labor. The harder a contraction the more I would force myself to relax and breathe through it. Chris couldn’t even tell when I was having contractions most of the night except when Lisa was having us time them. I had wondered frequently how I would handle the pain but I found that as things got more intense I was able to completely pull into myself and focus on breathing and coping and stay totally calm.

I had terrible back labor almost from the start. I hardly even noticed my stomach contracting because the back pain was so awful. At some point in the early morning hours I remember thinking that I wasn’t sure how much longer my back could take that kind of intense cramping.  I asked Lisa how much longer she thought it might be. She said it didn’t seem like things were progressing very quickly based on my pain level. She said it needed to get alot worse before much was going to happen. I was disappointed and a little overwhelmed because I didn’t know if I could handle much worse and I knew I had to hold myself together otherwise I would not be ok at all. If I lost control I knew bad things would happen. I wondered if she just couldn’t tell how bad it really was, but I figured I probably just had no idea how bad it was really going to get. Looking back I think I just hid pain really well because I was progressing faster than we thought.

I lost all concept of time during most of my labor but I remember the sun finally coming up and a little big later Lisa and Jonna checked me again. Lisa announced that I was about 9cm and almost completely effaced. Everyone was so relieved. I had been feeling that I was getting close but I was unsure of myself because I had never done this before. Jonna gave me a back rub and some counter pressure during contractions and I was amazed to find how much it helped. I wished I had thought to ask for that before. From then on I had someone press on my back with every contraction. I was relieved to find that help and thought maybe I could handle more after all.

Around 9 in the morning Jonna checked me again and broke my water. Only a couple minutes later I felt the urge to push, however Lisa and Jonna came back in the room with some hard news. Lisa said that there was quite a bit of meconium in the water which could be dangerous if the baby had aspirated any of it. She said everything was probably just fine but she wanted us to transfer to the hospital just in case the baby needed extra care.  I think Chris and I just stared blankly for a minute.  We felt we were so close to meeting our little one, and now everything was changing. We totally trusted Lisa’s judgment and knew this was a very hard decision for her and I remember nodding in agreement because I knew she wouldn’t make us transfer unless she really felt it was necessary. At the same time I remember thinking that maybe if I just pushed that baby out right there she couldn’t make me go. I did not see how I could possibly get dressed, get in the car and go to the hospital right then. Chris brought me dry clothes and tried to help me get dressed and moved to the car. I glared at him and mostly refused to move. My contractions were right on top of each other and I was not the least bit happy about what they were making me do. They did finally get me in the car on my hands and knees and Lisa sat next to me while Chris drove.

I had told myself over and over in the last weeks of pregnancy that no matter how I felt I did not need to take it out on others. I remember quietly asking Lisa to push on my back, even though I felt like screaming at the world. I was honestly shocked at how well I was able to stay calm and composed. Something in me just new that the moment I gave in to the pain bad things would happen.

We got to the hospital, found a wheel chair, and had a hard time getting passed the front desk. They wanted all my information right then and didn’t seem to understand that I was not only in labor but ready to push. I wondered if I needed to start screaming to get the point across. Someone finally wheeled me upstairs to a room. Chris pulled me out of the wheelchair and I climbed onto the bed on my hands and knees. I knew right then that I was gonna push that baby out no matter what anyone said. I announced my intention and from then on everything was pretty hazy until after the birth. I know there were people around me, strapping on a monitor, clipping things on my finger, etc. I remember a nurse asking where the doctor was and telling someone to find him right away. I remember Chris behind me and leaning against him. I remember being told to push, and push harder. I remember feeling Chris’ excitement and people saying they could see the head. It was all such a blur. The doctor announced it was a boy, Chris cut the cord, and they whisked the baby off to the other side of the room to make sure he was ok. We had only been at the hospital for about 30 minutes.

My biggest sadness about the whole process was not getting to hold my baby right away. Sure, I really didn’t want to transfer to the hospital, but it didn’t really matter at that point. I do feel robbed of spending those first precious moments with my baby. That is still so hard. I know it was necessary though to make sure he was ok.

I tried to watch him over there with the nurses, Chris standing over their shoulders, but I was too distracted. I honestly think the worst pain was after the birth as the doctor pushed on my stomach to try to get the blood clots out and get me to stop bleeding. I bled a lot and tore pretty bad as well. I almost started crying. It hurt so bad and I just wanted my baby and wanted it to all be over.

Pretty soon Chris brought him over and I held him for the first time. My little Miles. My son.

Miles was just fine but because of all my bleeding I needed to be at the hospital and would have likely ended up as an emergency transfer if we had stayed home. That kiddo was just so big. God knew.

We finally got home two days later and I felt that life could begin again. I really don’t like hospitals.

It was an amazing time getting to know this child, who was ours. To know him, as Miles, and not just “little one” or “the baby.” He is so precious.

Grace.

This is still His battle. My righteousness is all His anyway. My success is only Him in me. He is the one who does all the work. My job is to trust, and rest, and follow unquestioningly, and revel in this overwhelming grace.

It is so amazing to contemplate His work in us. I look at myself right now and I don’t see much that reflects Majesty. I’m still in my pajamas, I need a shower, I’m surrounded by mess and half eaten food, I’m huge and can hardly move, I cry lots. Still a voice inside whispers that I am made in the image of the Giver of Life. I feel the little one move and am filled with wonder. This little one is receiving from me the greatest gift, the gift I need daily – Life. I receive Life from the Giver of All Life, and then I share it as well. I share with this little one I have not yet met, with my husband, with the people I rub shoulders with each day. To be a part of His work, is it not amazing grace?

I may be afraid at times of the changes to come, but I’m excited too. I don’t want life to stay as it is. I want more. I don’t want to miss out because of fear. I want to do hard things, and see God work. I want more of God. As I give freely of my life, I will be given more and more.

In August we had a two year prayer answered in a new job for Chris. He is now working as a Project Manager at Madwire Media in Loveland. It is a really awesome job and he even gets to do some video work here and there.

In October our amazing God gave us another one of our incredible dreams – a little house. I really didn’t expect to be out of apartments only a year and a half into marriage. The whole process was such a God thing. So quirky and impossible.

[Journal entry 10-27]

I love this house. I love our cold little bedroom and wonderful windows. I love waking up to a roaring fire and whistling tea kettle. I love the wood floor and the huge kitchen and the narrow staircase. I love finally having room for people. I love having a whole room dedicated to Baby. I love curling up on the couch in the mornings, by the fire, and having time to just think and be still.
The reality of being an adult is really hitting me right now, along with the amazement of this parenting journey we are about to begin. What a responsibility. I have been struggling with the fear of caving to the mediocre and mundane, the “cage”, but I am realizing that what God calls me to will never be lacking in abundant life. I was reading Isaiah this morning and marveling at the incredible promises God made to His chosen people. Because I know that I am now included in the children of promise through faith, there is no way that even a life full of curtains and cooking and diapers and dusting could be anything but unbelievable fulfilled and even exciting.

God’s promises hold true no mater what my stage and station in life. It is my responsibility to stand fast in faith, and His to get creative in fulfilling them.

“Tonight Chris handed me a stack of papers and asked if I was ready to hear the rest of the story.

I had no idea.

I’m pretty sure I don’t deserve a man with that kind of faith and determination and selflessness. But… I don’t deserve anything You give me, and yet You want me to accept it as an expression of Your love and use it for Your glory.

I feel pretty loved.”

I had shrugged, nodded, sipped my Chai and started reading.

Dec 1st, 2009

Dear future wife,

Last night while having my quiet time with God before going to bed I felt led to start something odd. I am going to be praying for you for an hour a day for the next 25 days. I have no clue as to how or why 25 days but it just seems God wants me to put some intense effort into praying. Can’t wait to see what happens.

Chris

I was speechless. It had only been a week since I had told him I was willing for our relationship to move forward. I was surprised that he was already handing me letters addressed to his future wife. Presumptuous?

This is an excerpt from the Dec 12th letter.

“I pray that I would completely leave the picture, that Christ would send His spirit and fill me even more, that I would die so that Christ would take over, knowing that you are going to be the type of person that will only love a man who himself is a clear picture of Christ. I pray for you that you would do the same.”

I’m pretty sure my heart stopped for a couple seconds when I got to Dec 18th and read:

Dear Christy,

I am writing this in faith that God will soon give you to me as my wife. I have gone through a tremendous journey the past few days. A journey I would not trade for the world. I don’t know you very well right now but I do know you are a remarkable woman who loves the Lord with her whole heart, mind, and soul. I have asked God that he would work in your heart so that our paths in life would merge and we would walk the rest of the way side by side as best friends who’s only desire is to serve and bring glory to God by any means He deems fit. Writing this letter is a huge step of faith for me. I have only recently started this deeper life of bold prayers to God. My prayers are born out of my asking Him to lead me in the prayers He wants me to pray. I am very exited and can’t wait for the day I can give this letter to you.

Boldly asking that God bestow His favor on me by letting you eventually be my wife,

Chris

Ummm. WHAT IN THE WORLD??? This letter was written a whole 4 months before I gave him any indication that I would even consider marrying him. 3 months before I was even willing to think about marriage at all. The audacity of this man. The faith…

Dec 22nd, 2009

Dear Christy,

I had a great hour of prayer, especially the last half hour when God brought even more scripture to me encouraging me that He will answer my prayers. I got done with prayer and you were on google chat. We talked about the struggles you have been having the last week or so. I believe they are caused by God working in your heart due to my prayers. I never meant to cause you pain or struggle and would gladly let you off the hook but I believe God is doing something much bigger. I know exactly what you are not surrendered to but only God can open your eyes and show you … Who knows, you still might get to Africa yet.

That was in response to the chat I posted a part of in the What Do You Fear, My Lady? post. I actually laughed out loud a couple times, through my tears, as I read his letters and remembered the conversations and realized how much more was going on than I knew at the time and remembered my confusion that God would tell this man my secrets when I knew so little of him. Now I knew why.

The letters continued on, past Dec 25th, when his “Prayer Project” ended and clear through April 20th, when I’d finally said yes. Here are a few more excerpts.

Dec 31st

Had a wonderful chat with you. He is working so much in your life. I am afraid my prayers have caused you pain in that at the moment marriage seems like the worst possible thing to you. I wish I could just out and tell you what is going on, but I cant… You don’t know it yet, but all the adventure, all the romance, and all the joy of serving God that you desire will be best brought to you by marriage. I just wish it was to a better man than me.

Jan 11th

I heard your mom say your middle name on New Years. Laurel. I find it ironic. A laurel is a wreath or crown bestowed on an athlete or warrior as a token of favor.  My middle name is Stephen. Stephen means crowned one. One of my prayers has been that God would show me his favor by giving me a wife because “he who finds a wife obtains the favor of the Lord”. Proverbs also says a virtuous woman is a crown to her husband. I hope I’m not making to much of this, but I think it’s really awesome.

Feb 15th

My prayers for you continue. At the same time I pray even more for myself. That I would seek God above all… If I can somehow keep Christ first and abide in Him you will eventually come and help me delve these truths deeper. I see small things happen and wonder if you aren’t trying to give me signals, yet at the same time you still talk about marriage as if its something you would rather avoid, even though you are slowly becoming more accustomed to the idea. I will continue to pray more. I think its just a matter of time.

March 15th

Another month. We have seriously gotten to know each other so much better. I praise God for you so much. Right now in my life, of a the people I know, you point me to God the most. I keep wanting to rush things but God is saying “Just hold your horses. I am working slowly but surely.” I can see his fingerprints everywhere in our relationship.

April 14th, 2010

Dear Christy,

This is what you wrote,

“Dear God,

You told me its what I need, the only way to fulfill some of my dreams, to trust you, and be ok with it. I am ok with it, ok? But you know how much I hate the limbo of waiting indefinitely, so as shocking as this may sound coming from me… would you please hurry up? Sincerely, me.”

Can’t tell you how much this filled me with joy. Your wait will not be long. Now I can move, now I can act, now I will be able to start giving everything I have been wanting to give.

Chris

What he quoted me saying here came originally from my journal. On a whim, I posted it as my google chat status for all of 5 minutes before I decided it was too personal and took it down. He saw it. There were only a couple people who would understand what I was talking about. He knew.

This is from April 19th. The night before our little coffee shop talk.

My chest is tight and pounding. I am praying for peace and faith. Christy, I only want to help you achieve your dreams. The prayers I have been pouring forth all day, whenever found with a moments time, have been that this news would simply make you happy. I really, really do not want to create any stress or cause for more struggle in your life as you have already been going through so much. Rather I want you to embrace this as God working and answering your desires to move forward in your walk and a large step in the direction of your dreams of being able to serve Him answered. This step I know is of God, and I have prayed over it so earnestly… Christy, other  than my desire to know God more and please Him, my greatest desire has been to simply see you happy. This step, if you choose to take it, will allow me even more freedom and tools to help make you more happy and in seeing your joy I will be joyful too. Please, let me serve you, let me be God’s tool to help fulfill your dreams and desires, let me be the one that God uses to enable you to serve Him. Nothing in this world right now would make me happier.

The person who wants to be the best friend that is always there and will never leave,

Chris

And the last one:

April 20th, 2010

Dear Christy,

You said you want to move forward. I am a very very happy person tonight.

Chris

[Journal Entry]

I want You to be my center. I want the confidence that my life truly revolves around You.

I want You to be my basis of orientation. My True North.

I know this is a process but I feel such a desperation for it to be more true than it is. I feel that I waste so much precious Life on things that are not You, yet I know learning and growing is never a waste. And often, I just don’t care as much as I wish. I just don’t want You as much as I’d hope.

I think I need more investment in You and Life and Eternity so that my heart will follow.

Sometimes, even when I know I do want something more deep down, I decide I would rather browse Facebook, or even do dishes than make the effort to pick up my Bible or fall to my knees and grasp for the heart of God.

O God, I have tasted Your goodness, and it has both satisfied me and mad me thirsty for more. I am painfully conscious of my need of further grace. I am ashamed of my lack of desire. O God, the Triune God, I want to want You; I long to be filled with longing; I thirst to be made more thirsty still. Show me Your glory, I pray, that so I may know You indeed. Begin in mercy a new work of love within me. Say to my soul, ‘Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away.’ Then give me grace to rise and follow You up from this misty lowland where I have wandered so long.
 In Jesus name.
 Amen – A. W. Tozer

I love them.
(I’m particularly in love with some of these words right now. I want them. ALL OVER my house.)

[/end random muse]

I have lots of awesome photographer friends.  If you’d like to see the latest photo shoot my amazing friend Madi did for us, go here and check it out!

8 Minutes

She’s the awesomest.

A year ago this evening I was sitting in a coffee shop staring intently into my cup and saying absolutely nothing to the poor nervous man next to me. I was processing at such a deep level. Could this really be happening? To me?

A month ago I shared the story of that day a year ago and all that God was doing in me then. The subsequent days did not get any easier to handle. On Easter Sunday my wonderful and insightful brother Jonathan reminded me that as a woman God had created me with amazing abilities and talents but that I needed a strong support structure to be able to function at the full capacity God intended for me. He said he wouldn’t always be able to fill that role for me and I’d have to find someone else.

My struggle to define and accept my friendship with Chris was only accentuated by the judgemental spirit and snide comments of others. I almost dropped Chris all together a couple times simply because I didn’t want to loose standing friendships and trust over a guy who I wasn’t sure I wanted in my life in the first place. But God wouldn’t let me, and I knew He was using Chris for something bigger.

This guy was so good for me. Anyone who knew me well could see it. He knew how to make me hear truth, he knew how to make me happy. He was so much fun and I loved spending time with him. I loved how I always felt like I had seen God after I’d been around Him.

The whole time God was asking me to trust Him more deeply, to completely relinquish my grip on my plans for my life and let Him lead regardless of the destination. I was so afraid of being hurt again or hurting someone I loved, of letting someone close and then loosing them. At this point I wasn’t so much afraid of God asking me to get married as I was of allowing myself to want it and then it not happening the way I thought it would. I was afraid I would let my guard down and fall in love with Chris but that instead of it being God’s way of fulfilling the need He had finally convinced me was there, that He would use it as a lesson in letting go and dealing with pain and finding Him in loss. I wasn’t sure I could handle another one of those just yet.

April 19th I had a long conversation with my parents. I expressed how I saw things, saw Chris, and couldn’t believe this was happening. I told them what I was afraid of. My mom did lots of laughing at me. My Dad didn’t give as much direction as I’d hoped for. “You’re in a good place. Just wait and see what Chris does.” Great, thanks.

I went for a long walk and spilled all my thoughts to God. I finally collapsed on a picnic table and waited for Him to answer. “As long as you and Chris continue to point each other to Me, don’t be afraid of it or where it might go.” That was all I got from Him, but it was enough. I knew my God was trust worthy and would never give me more pain than necessary. I know my relationship with Chris was good, and that whatever God did with it, He would only make it better. I thought I was ready for whatever came next, but when it actually happened, when I was actually sitting in that coffee shop having that conversation it was still so much harder than I thought it would be.

I sat there completely numb, still staring into the chai I had hardly touched. My mind was racing, begging God for clarity, for words, for something. I knew I needed to say something to Chris before the silence stretched any longer. He finally summarized. “Christy, nothing would make me happier than to be able to do all that I can to encourage you, to point you to God, and to make you happy.” He was asking me to let him be the support God had told me I needed.

I finally found words. “I think… I think I’m ok with that.”

Chris grinned.

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

I’m so very thankful I’ve had that man in my life for the last year. I’m so thankful I took the step of faith and said yes.